On December 6th The White House Coronavirus Task Force issued yet another report alerting Texas that it is in a ‘red zone’ with it’s covid testing positivity rate (13%) and told Texas leaders to implement further restrictions to slow the outbreak.
The report sharply called on state and local leaders in Texas to “increase physical distancing through significant reduction in capacity or closure of public and private indoor spaces, including restaurants and bars” to stunt increasing hospitalizations across the state.
With the legislature out of session and having long ago usurped the pandemic-fighting authority of every Mayor, City Council, local health official, and Judge in the state; there remains only 1 Texas ‘leader’ capable of implementing any restrictions.
So Governor Good-Guy Greg immediately set to work shuttering every bar and restaurant in Texas. Taking care of the needs of these people, he allocated hundreds of millions of dollars from the remaining 2 billion in Covid relief funds that must be spent by the end of the year. This broke a longstanding tradition of either lighting this money on fire, distributing it to Republican donors, or simply handing it over to Joel Osteen - but Greg didn’t care this time. Greg set aside another portion of the money to upgrade public school ventilation systems. He ordered a stop to all public school sports programs until the Summer of 2021. He then declared that any public school or university in Texas wishing to hold in-person classes would be required to perform weekly rapid antigen tests on all faculty and students per the White House’s recommendations. Greg then implored his religious base and pastors to demand outdoor or online services only at this time and he declared a day of mourning for the 25,000 Texan lives Covid-19 has stolen from us. Greg couldn’t rest though until some wrongs of his own design were made right. He called up a press conference and weeping with the shame of his actions he announced that the Sheriffs and Judges across Texas were indeed correct when they said his mask mandate was unenforceable. With tears streaming down his face he said no longer would first-time offenses of the mask mandate be a warning. Now every mask infraction, including improper wearing, would cost the Texan in violation an entire quarter-dollar.
I am, of course, joking. He did absolutely jack shit and sent out his press secretary Renae Eze to remind everyone that all the jack shit Greg has been doing is working great.
“These pre-planned procedures have proven to be successful and are expected to continue to work to slow the spread of COVID-19”
Also, those White House Coronavirus Task Force people just weren’t aware of all the super complicated Greg Abbott Covid fighting procedures.
A spokesperson for Gov. Greg Abbott said the governor spoke with Dr. Debra Birx, coordinator of the White House Coronavirus Task Force, who was “unaware” of the state’s mitigation procedures.
Unaware?! Well, Dr. Birx The Viral Texan is here to help.
Dr. Birx, Greg’s Magnificent Mitigation Efforts™ is a 3 step program to dealing with a pandemic.
Step 1:
In monarchical fashion, declare prima nocte on the entire state and disallow anyone but yourself to do anything about the outbreak. Seen here in GA-28 aka “Aint nobody doing nothin’ bout this shit goin’ on now” ;
This executive order shall supersede any conflicting orders issued by local officials in response to Covid-19, but only to the extent the local order restricts services allowed by this executive order, allows gatherings prohibited by this executive order, or expands the list or scope of services as set forth in this executive order.
I hereby suspend Section...of the Texas Health and Safety code, and any other relevant statutes, to the extent necessary to ensure that local officials do not impose restrictions in response to Covid-19 disaster that are inconsistent with this executive order
Step 2:
Do absolutely nothing, but make it look like you’re doing things. Seen here in Executive Order GA-32 aka “Occupancy rollback threshold… or whatever man don’t worry about it things have probably already gone to hell in your area if you actually reach this goalpost and nobody is going to enforce this shit” ;
NOW, THEREFORE, I, Greg Abbott, Governor of Texas, by virtue of the power and authority vested in me by the Constitution and laws of the State of Texas, and in accordance with guidance from the Commissioner of the Texas Department of State Health Services, Dr. John Hellerstedt, other medical advisors, the White House, and the CDC, do hereby order the following on a statewide basis effective at 12:01 a.m. on October 14, 2020: Every business establishment in Texas shall operate at no more than 75 percent of the total listed occupancy of the establishment; provided, however, that:
There is no occupancy limit for the following :
A. any services listed by the U.S. Department of Homeland Security’s Cybersecurity and Infrastructure Security Agency (CISA) in its Guidance on the Essential Critical Infrastructure Workforce, Version 4.0 or any subsequent version;
B. religious services, including those conducted in churches, congregations, and houses of worship;
C. local government operations, including county and municipal governmental operations relating to licensing (including marriage licenses), permitting, recordation, and document-filing services, as determined by the local government
D. child care services;
E. Youth camps, including but not limited to those defined as such under Chapter 14 of the Texas Health and Safety Code, and including all summer camps and other daytime and overnight camps for youths;
F. recreational sports programs for youths and adults;
G. any public or private schools, and any public or private institutions of higher education, not already covered above;
H. drive in concerts, movies, or similar events, under guidelines that facilitate appropriate social distancing, that generally requires spectators to remain in their vehicles, and that minimize in-person contact between people who are not in the same household or vehicle;
I. the following establishments that operate with at least six feet of social distancing between work stations: cosmetology salons, hair salons, barbershops, nail salons/shops, and other establishments where licensed cosmetologists or barbers practice their trade; massage establishments and other facilities where licensed massage therapists or other persons licensed or otherwise authorized to practice under Chapter455 of the Texas Occupations Code practice their trade; and other personal-care and beauty services such as tanning salons, tattoo studios, piercing studios, hair removal services, and hair loss treatment and growth services.
In areas with high hospitalizations as defined below, any business establishment that otherwise would have a 75 percent occupancy or operating limit may operate at up to only 50 percent.
A. This paragraph does not apply, however, to business establishments located in a county that has filed with DSHS, and is in compliance with, the requisite attestation form promulgated by DSHS regarding minimal cases of COVID-19. “Areas with high hospitalizations” means any Trauma Service Area that has had seven consecutive days in which the number of COVID-19 hospitalized patients as a percentage of total hospital capacity exceeds 15 percent, until such time as the Trauma Service Area has seven consecutive days in which the number of COVID-19 hospitalized patients as a percentage of total hospital capacity is 15 percent or less.
By using obscure and irrelevant unenforced occupancy restrictions with a million loopholes almost no place in the state has to do anything but it does seem like we’re being proactive.
Let’s take a look at another example;
Dr. Birx you will be thrilled to learn you only need to have 51% of your revenue come from ‘food’ sales in order to convert your pub into a restaurant.
The prudes at the Texas Medical Association say bars are the worst place for spreading covid, however, restaurants are much better - way up near the top of the chart at a code orange.
With Greg’s Magnificent Mitigation Efforts™ restaurant-pub conversion we’re taking a scary ‘dark red’ situation and dialing it way back to ‘orange’.
If you were so inclined you could also go ahead and operate your pub-restaurant at full capacity regardless of the governor’s occupancy rollback measures, because who is going to enforce it? Certainly not the Governor. Probably not the county or the city either, and TABC sure would have their hands full trying to police occupancy and mask-wearing statewide in the 30%+ of Texas bars that have converted.
Step 3:
Do riddles, make crime. Have fun with it.
Dr. Birx, you may not have heard of the famous riddle of how to mandate masks in Texas. You can’t just order it for your city if the outbreak is exploding, no.
Greg’s Magnificent Mitigation Efforts™ early on allowed no one to mandate mask-wearing. This riddle was eventually solved and businesses alone were given the magnificent power.
So a new riddle was made and Greg summoned the awesome power of executive order GA-29 aka “The mandate for Texans to wear a mask sorta! With just a few exemptions.”
Every person in Texas shall wear a face-covering over the nose and mouth when inside a commercial entity or other building or space open to the public, or when in an outdoor public space, wherever it is not feasible to maintain six feet of social distancing from another person not in the same household; provided, however, that this face-covering requirement does not apply to the following:
any person younger than 10 years of age;
any person with a medical condition or disability that prevents wearing a face covering; (and hell yes it would be a HIPAA violation for us to ask you which condition that is /wink)
any person while the person is consuming food ord rink, or is seated at a restaurant to eat or drink;
any person while the person is (a) exercising outdoors or engaging in physical activity outdoors, and (b) maintaining a safe distance from other people not in the same household;
any person while the person is driving alone or with passengers who are part of the same household as the driver;
any person obtaining a service that requires temporary removal of the face-covering for security surveillance, screening, or a need for specific access to the face, such as while visiting a bank or while obtaining a personal-care service involving the face, but only to the extent necessary for the temporary removal;
any person while the person is in a swimming pool, lake, or similar body of water;
any person who is voting, assisting a voter, serving as a poll watcher, or actively administering an election, but wearing a face-covering is strongly encouraged; (sorry now deceased poll workers)
any person who is actively providing or obtaining access to religious worship, but wearing a face-covering is strongly encouraged; (RIGHTEOUS)
any person while the person is giving a speech for a broadcast or to an audience;
any person in a county that meets the requisite criteria (Requisite criteria: 20 or less ‘active’ cases in your county) (To solve the requisite criteria riddle you simply only offer antigen tests in the county because only PCR tests count)
There you have it Dr. Birx. With the knowledge of this fantastic 3 step plan you now understand why Texas is performing so well with our malls and football games so rich and alive with pre-pandemic joyfulness. Or why all the restaurants and ICU beds in Texas will remain full and bursting with business.
Please consider donating to a place like United Way of Greater Houston and while you’re here